Dim Reflection
by Lune Nightingale
Summary: light elricest Now that Alphonse has his body back, he doesn't remember the last five years of his life. This includes his feelings for his brother. How will he remember this important detail? Sequel to Tokimeki no Doukasen.


**Title:** Dim Reflection

**Rating:** PG

**Pairing:** Well, I'm leaning toward the Elricest, but it's hard when you can't have them in the same scene together… ;;;

**Notes:** The lyrics are from Wakatte-ita hazu (I Should Have Known) also a song from Fushigi Yugi. Can you tell I had fun going through old files? Also, this is a sort of sequel to Tokimeki no Doukasen. If you like, you don't have to read this, that fic could have been read as a stand alone. Otherwise! Here I we go!

**Warnings:** I am going to be working on writing this in a way that not TOO many spoilers will be present. Also, I plan on messing with other FMA characters that I've never really messed with before. Sooo… Here's to hoping it turns out all right.

* * *

_The laughing voices_

_Of lovers passing by_

_Makes me get all choked up_

"Alphonse? Are you all right?"

It was strange that anyone would ask that question of him. He supposed that he was all right, but he didn't feel that way. Where was the line drawn between the physical well being and that of the heart? Frowning a bit, he looked away hiding the frustration on his young features. "I think so. I'll be fine."

The person at his side shifted uncertainly before pressing on softening the tone. "Are you sure? You…"

Cutting the other off, the childlike figure turned to pin bronze colored eyes on the taller blonde with a hint of trepidation. "I'm sure." Amazingly the tone was polite, but inside, his head was raging. What right did this person have to ask him that question? He'd lost his brother. The one thing in his life that had ever made him enjoy life. Not only that, he couldn't even remember the last five years of his life. That fact alone caused his whole being to ache. "Ah… Sergeant… Could I be alone a minute?"

The man by the name of Sergeant Denny Brosh hesitated only a moment before he finally nodded his head. "Of course, if you need anything, I'll be just outside." Quickly the military officer turned on his heel and quietly slipped out of the door into the hall. Al could only watch in silence as he tried hard to remember the face and the name. They'd known each other?

Solemn eyes noted the fact that he'd left the door open just a crack in his retreat. He couldn't be mad at any of them. They had been unbelievably patient with him in everyway since he'd awaken to a world he no longer knew nor understood. It was so strange to have so many people call you by name and not know a single one. His more polite manner made him almost regretful as well as his gentle disposition. The young Elric couldn't even begin to imagine what it would be like to have someone completely forget your existence in their life.

This thought caused him to come to a complete halt. Wasn't it just as hard, if not worse, to forget time spent with someone important that you still remembered? "Brother…" The soft word left his lips before he could even put the thought in check. Ever since he'd recovered his body, he'd asked so many to explain to him what had happened. Why wasn't his older brother there? Why wasn't Edward within his grasp? Furrowing his brow a bit in order to stop the feeling of tears that threatened to fall, Al finally pressed a hand over them and took a deep breath.

"Stop it… you're going to have to figure this out." And he would. There was nothing that would stop him from finding out how and why his brother was taken away from him. Sadly, the only people that knew for sure what had happened were not here. Moving to slump into a chair inside the small office, he made out the sounds of voices just outside the door.

"Poor thing… I can't believe he doesn't remember anything." A soft alto voice lifted through the air to meet his ears that was filled with melancholy and regret. Did he know that voice as well? He really couldn't tell.

"I don't know what to say to him. It's like we've never met at all." The frustration in Brosh's voice was evident enough that Al actually winced. He really hadn't meant to insult the young officer. Breaking from his thoughts at a sound, he realized it was the rustling of stiff material and he could only assume the other present was embracing the blonde. "I… I don't want to say it, but I think it would be best if he left Central soon. Don't you think?"

This time the voice was muffled and there was a long pause before the girl replied. "Maybe… If he doesn't know us, we really aren't going to help him much." After that, Al merely blocked out the noise altogether. There was already enough guilt in him to last a lifetime; he didn't need to hear that as well.

Pulling his knees to his chest, he leaned forward in order to rest his chin upon them. What all did he forget? "Brother…" Once again his mind started to fog as he tried to picture his sibling. To make matters worse, his imagination brought up what he thought was going on just outside the door. This only served to make it hurt that much worse. Was it jealousy? But what was he jealous of? What was this feeling?

_Even though the rain has stopped_

_On this weekend afternoon,_

_I'm walking the streets alone, _

_Even though I want to be with you_

What was he forgetting? No, he knew what all he was forgetting, but there was something else that nagged relentlessly on his heart. It was as though the most important part of his life had been totally ripped away. What had happened in those five years he and Edward had traveled together?

The deep blonde could only scowl at the ground as his feet automatically fell in step. It was a careful motion being that he was so preoccupied with the thoughts of things that he'd lost. Not only those memories, but a certain sun lit blonde that seemed to have vanished like a leaf on the breeze. Pausing in his walk, he sent his gaze about the market street of Central almost curiously. How many times had he walked this street before? How many times had those walks been at his brother's side?

Flinching at this thought, he felt his heart fall at a breathtaking plummet. Why couldn't he grasp that illusive memory that seemed to flutter just in front of him? Almost on impulse his small hands buried themselves into the red fabric of the coat that so many said Edward wore all the time. It was just one way he could still smell and feel his brother. Maybe it was even his last shred of humanity. "Brother… why aren't you here?" The soft whisper was lost on a gust of wind that had the lingering scent of rain. Tipping his head just slightly, he peered through sandy bangs up into the clouded over sky. Rain…

"Alphonse Elric… imagine meeting you here." The somewhat chipper words broke into the petite figure's thoughts causing him to blink and turn to the sound. Bronze eyes gave a sheen of bewilderment as they locked on the military officer standing mere yards from him. "So it's true I gather… you don't remember us." The blonde merely chuckled softly as a strong hand moved to ruffle the hair on the back of his head. Deep blue eyes then softened as they came to rest on the almost lost gaze of Alphonse Elric. "Well… I'm Lieutenant Jean Havoc…"

"Oh, I'm sorry I don't remember you sir." Al quickly gave a polite bow plastering his eyes to the pavement below him.

"Don't worry so much." With a wave of his hand, Havoc moved closer only to place that hand upon the soft hair on Al's head. "In fact we didn't get to talk all that often."

There seemed to be slight relief in the younger Elric's demeanor as his shoulders fell almost unnoticeably. "I see…" For some reason, that fact gave him a sense of comfort and ease. It meant he wouldn't hurt this person as he did the others that seemed to be so much closer to him.

"I heard you'll be heading out soon to your home… But until then, want to join me for lunch?" The tall blonde sent the other a grin as he rummaged in his pocket for something. "Unless of course, you have something else to do."

Al couldn't help but smile faintly as the other procured a cigarette and continued to grin about the object after it was placed in his lips. There was something easy going about the Lieutenant, and he had to say he liked it. "I… really don't have anything to do."

"Well then, it's a date." With a wink, Havoc retrieved his lighter in order to light his cigarette. "Besides that, it's going to rain again. It would be best if you didn't stay out in it."

Alphonse merely nodded his head but didn't reply. It was almost a relief when Havoc didn't press him any further. Walking on in silence, the younger noticed the older as he glanced about them sometimes keeping his gaze on the women on the street. Funny, but it was nice having a distraction. "Sir…?"

"Hey… none of that! It makes me feel… old." The blonde frowned before chuckling and tilting his head in order to meet Al's suddenly embarrassed profile. "Don't bother with rank or any of that formal business. You can call me by name."

"But! I couldn't possibly…" Looking up at the older he felt his cheeks redden at the mere idea of being impolite. There was no way he could call an elder by name.

Shaking his head, Havoc only continued to laugh in a genial manner before arching a brow. "Tell you what; call me by my last name at least. And I'll call you Al… Sound all right?" The younger nodded in his sudden relief. He could agree to that. "Now, what were you going to say?"

Al smiled faintly before looking ahead once more. Small hands wrung the red fabric again tightly and he knew that he was obviously fidgeting. It was amazing that Havoc could be so patient when he himself was acting like a bundle of nerves. "Well… I wanted to know… what my brother was like." It sounded so pathetic. How could he ask something like that? Especially when he was supposed to be the one that knew Edward better than anyone else…

"Well… That's really hard to say. He was like a volcano waiting to explode and the Colonel was one of the quickest ways to make him erupt." Havoc chuckled to himself as he breathed out a puff of silvery smoke into the humid air. "Everyone knew the FullMetal Alchemist… as a matter of fact, everyone knew the Elric brothers."

This seemed to perplex him all the more as he kept his eyes solely on the figure beside him. He'd been famous? That seemed almost… implausible. "Really? That's…"

Smiling, Havoc sent the other a sideways glance before pointing to a small café. "It must be a lot to take in, if at all. Why don't we go there?"

There was something in the laid back way the officer said and did things that put the young alchemist at ease. He felt as though he could actually talk without being treated like a child. He could ask questions without feeling as though his entire world was crumbling. Nodding, Al fell in stride taking double steps now and again in order to keep up with the tall lieutenant. As they entered the café, he could only blink as the older proffered him a seat before simply plopping into his own on the other side of the table. Sitting almost hesitantly, Al instantly folded his hands in his lap and kept his eyes trained on the table. "What… do you know?"

Silence fell between them leaving only the gentle murmuring of the patrons around them along with the beginning patters of raindrops in the world outside. The sound of the rain seemed to make Al's skin crawl even though he remembered loving it all his life. Was it just another thing he'd forgotten? "That's a broad question." At the sudden sound of Havoc's voice, Al looked up in surprise. The man didn't seem perturbed nor put out, merely thoughtful. "But I'm going to assume you mean about you and your brother?" At the youth's nod, he reclined back in his chair. "I know vaguely about your mother. I know that you lost your body and FullMetal lost his arm and leg. After all, that is how he got the name…"

Frowning slightly, Al didn't know if he liked that name at all. It wasn't the first time he'd heard the name, but every time he did it made him feel as though the thought was just repulsive. It was so cold, but he didn't remember his brother as cold. Not at all… He'd also heard this explanation before, and it only served to make more questions in his head. "I see…"

"I didn't figure it would help much. But there was one thing… You two were always together. You know, inseparable… I don't think I've ever met siblings that close before." Adding that as an after thought, the lieutenant sent the younger a soft smile. "So… what are you going to do?"

"Do?"

A chuckle came from the officer as his eyes closed. "Of course. What do you plan to do to get him back? After all the hell the two of you went through to get your body back… I would believe you'd go through hell again to be together."

Something seemed to click in those bronze eyes and the light that had faded soon returned full force. Yes, he'd thought of that. He'd even made a promise he'd find a way, but he hadn't thought about the how. "I'm going to get him back."

Havoc merely continued to smile as he reached across the table to once again place a hand on his head. "Right… Let me know if you need anything."

With a curt nod, the wheels in Al's head were already beginning to turn. He refused to keep on being alone. There was a time to mourn, but now it was time to get back what he'd lost. "I will… Ss…" Cutting off, he smiled sheepishly only to have that look melt into hard resolve. "Havoc… I need you to help me make arrangements to go to Dublith…"

"Dublith?" Blinking in curiosity, the blonde finally just smiled and nodded. "Sure. I'll even go with you if you like. I've got some vacation days to kill."

Al returned the smile and nodded his head. That's right… he wouldn't be alone. Edward would be back and they would be together again.

_I should have known this_

_If I fell in love with you that much,_

_I would hurt just as much._

Brother? I keep having these dreams. I dream that there are these hands, large leather clad hands reaching for you. Are they my hands? Is that you I'm really reaching for? The strange thing is, I can't feel anything. All that I know is there is this horrible longing that is eating my insides to a point where there is nothing left. But then I look at your image again and I feel like the only thing I can see or think about is you. It's like I'm lost in a storm of raging thoughts and feelings.

It's like a drowning sensation and I know that I must be gasping for air. Those hands keep reaching, but no matter how close I get, it's not close enough. You just smile so sadly at me before taking a step back. Are you running from me brother? It hurts! Can't you tell it hurts me! Didn't you tell me we'd be together through it all! Why are you moving away from me when I need you the most?

All I can see is the liquid sun light as you turn away from me. I've always loved your hair. I've always adored those golden eyes as well. You are like the sun. What is this feeling? What am I forgetting? I can't seem to contain myself and I don't know why.

I wake up then and I realize that I'm crying so hard. What makes matters worse is the voice that so softly calls my name. At first I thought it was you only I found myself clinging to the form of someone far too tall. You would scold me if you heard me say such a thing.

A gentle hand wipes my tears away and soothing words fill my ears, but nothing seems to wake me from the dream. Why couldn't it have been you drawing me from the grips of the cruel dream world? Instead of your warm arms about me, it's someone else entirely. It's not that I don't appreciate the help, but it makes the wounds that much deeper. Brother… what happened between us? What part of the puzzle is missing that is driving me so slowly insane?

_Even though I know it's heart-wrenching,_

_I keep thinking only of you,_

_Even when I can't see you_

"Not fast enough!"

The sound of impact filled the air only to be followed by the secondary impact of a small body colliding into a tree nearby. Groaning in pain, the small blonde forced himself to his feet with the smallest of winces. Alphonse hurt everywhere from head to toe as he narrowed his eyes on the lithe woman with dark hair. She seemed almost lackadaisical in form as she watched him fall once more into stance. "Alphonse… you'll have to be quicker if you plan to get stronger."

"Yes master." The tone was strong as he quickly sprung into action. It was amazing how fast the younger Elric could move, but within a few blocks, Izumi caught the young boy in the stomach with a round house kick. Collapsing to his hands and knees panting, he shifted to hug himself about the middle.

"Are you quitting?" The almost cold tone caused Al to flinch. "Does that mean you're not as determined as you said you were to get him back?"

Instantly anger rose in his chest causing him to lift to his feet with ease. Before another word could be spoken the flurry of blows continued. He _would_ get his brother back! It didn't matter if he had to train till his body could no longer move. In the end it would lead him to the one thing he just _had_ to achieve.

Every blow and graceful move now was filled with only thoughts of his brother. Every breath and beat of his heart was for the elder Elric for one blissful yet agonizing moment. Why was it the more he thought about the older, his entire being ached and his heart would twist? Al couldn't even rely on the memories of laughter from their childhood together. It was almost as if something was stubbornly blocking him completely. Even after all this time of not being able to see or touch that one person, it was the only thing that filled his thoughts.

It was almost like he was lost in a dream.

_"Al? What's wrong?"_

In that moment everything faded around him and all he could see were shining precious metal pools staring at him intensely. Those lips moved slowly and Al almost thought he could hear what they were saying until it all shattered. In one agonizing sweep, Izumi caught his foot then effortlessly flipped him so that he was lying on his back in the grass. "What happened Al? You lost your focus. You were actually doing rather well…"

Looking up slowly at his master and near mother figure, he saw her dark eyes soften as she knelt in front of him. "I'm sorry master."

"Don't worry about it. Why don't we stop for dinner…? I'm getting tired of seeing that guy wince over there." The woman half smirked as she pointed to the blonde standing to the side back pressed to a tree.

Al could only smile at this. "All right…"

Reaching out the woman merely placed her hand gently on the small blonde's shoulder. "I'll go make dinner then. Don't be late. Either of you…" Arching a brow, she then retracted her hand and smiled to herself. "You're brother would be proud of you…"

Blinking in surprise, he opened his mouth to respond only to be cut off by another's voice. "Done? Man… You're rather amazing Curtis-san…" Havoc walked up slowly almost hesitantly. Like Ed and Al, he'd learned a healthy dose of fear and respect for the woman.

"Yes, we're done. Remember… don't be late for dinner." With that she rose to her feet and turned to walk away. In those moments both blonde's watched her retreating form in silence. Only when she was completely gone did they both turn to regard one another.

Alphonse couldn't help but be self-conscious now. After a few months, he'd almost regularly woke up from 'nightmares' only to have either Izumi or Havoc there to calm him down. When he'd agreed for the blonde to come along, there hadn't even been a thought in his mind that things would go that way. "You really took a beating. I can't believe you're still conscious."

The younger Elric only smiled as he pushed aside the embarrassment in exchange for the comfortable air that Jean Havoc seemed to radiate. "You become tolerant after a while." Chuckling softly he rose to his feet carefully brushing off the red coat.

Havoc merely watched before smirking slightly. "You're hair's getting long… plan on cutting it soon."

The question hung in the air as Al paused in thought. Almost on a whim of its own his hand reached for the sandy locks. Letting the hair slip through his fingers he suddenly smiled in a sad manner. "No… I think I'll let it grow out."

"I see." The comment was almost too quiet to be from the normally talkative lieutenant so he risked looking up into the clouded eyes of blue. There he found an argument taking place that he was certain he could hear. It wasn't healthy to try and be someone after you lost them. But it didn't matter to him, and in the end, Havoc seemed to let it go as he smiled softly. "I think you'll look good with it longer."

"Thank you…"

"What? It was just a prediction." The man winked before placing a hand on Al's shoulder only to stop. "Is it just me, or are you getting taller?"

Smiling a bit, the alchemist rubbed his sore abdomen before responding softly. "I think my body is in shock… It's almost like it's trying to get its growth spurt in as fast as possible."

The blonde officer winced at the mere thought before shivering. "That must be painful."

"It is… I can't tell what hurts worse now, the growing pains or the hits I take from Master Izumi." The soft laugh that left him drifted off into the fading day before he finally sighed. "I will get stronger."

"Hey, no one said you wouldn't." Havoc grinned before lightly mussing up Al's hair. "You know… with the lousy luck I have with women… maybe I should try catching your attention."

It had been in jest. Al had learned that much about the blonde. But still, the words stirred something in him that was almost painful. What was even far stranger was that he'd wanted to say he was already taken. But that was absurd. He'd never had a relationship in his life… had he? Frowning, he placed a hand over his stomach as it knotted up.

"Al? Hey… I was just teasing." The taller blonde sounded as though he were trying to comfort the younger, but was strangely at a loss. "We're friends right? I wouldn't screw that up."

Forcing a smile, he tilted his head up to regard the older. "I know… I'm sorry, I was just… thinking about something." A small hint of relief touched the blue eyes, but at the same time the worry didn't leave them. Why was that? Blinking a few times, he finally just pushed the thoughts away. "Don't worry about it."

Walking slowly toward the Curtis home, neither spoke for a while, and for the first time it was an uncomfortable silence. As the house came into view, Havoc's steps grew slower and slower until they stopped altogether. Surprised, Al stopped as well a few steps ahead only to peer at the blonde over his shoulder quizzically. "You know Al… I'm going to be going back soon."

Eyes of bronze widened at this thought. "You're… going back?" Why did it surprise him so much? He'd known all along that the lieutenant only had a set number of days for leave. But now that he was faced with it, he couldn't believe the shock it caused. "When?"

"I need to head back within the next day or two." Shrugging nonchalantly, he tilted his head back to look up at the sky. Al marveled at him for a moment and almost sighed. After all that time of seeing the other out of uniform, he'd nearly forgotten Havoc was even in the military. "Just thought I'd warn you before I ran off."

All he could do was frown in response. It was strange actually. When he'd come back, the only friends he recalled had been Winry, Grandma Pinako, Master Izumi, and her family. But in that haze of confusion, he'd been able to befriend the officer so easily. It had been a safe haven of sorts. Havoc hadn't known him before that well, and it had given him a neutral perspective from a friend. Now he had to deal with the fact that he'd be on his own again. "I understand. I'll be sure and be there to send you off." The smile he gave was forced. He didn't feel like being happy about anything. Now he was going to be completely alone.

There was only so much he could tell his master… But in the end, it may have been for the best. "Don't look so sullen. I'll check in on you and you can ask for me anytime. You know me; I prefer staying where it's safe. And that's generally behind a desk." The tall blonde chuckled and slowly it started to lift the younger's spirit. He had no right to be sad and hurt the other, so he pushed the pain aside.

"Of course." Nodding, the smile became a touch truer in quality.

_Even though I know I shouldn't think about_

_How I wish we could always be together_

_Even now the voice of my heart _

_Which I've tried to suppress _

_Seems to overflow endlessly…_

_So much so that it hurts._

"Al?" Deep pools of gold shimmered almost iridescently in the dim light as a soft curtain of spun sunlight hair fell into them. "What's wrong?" That beautiful visage leaned in just a bit closer with a look of concern written plainly in the smooth features. "Don't you remember…?"

The question hurt as he reached out to touch that ethereal countenance. Trembling fingertips slipped over ivory skin sending tingles down his spine. Edward only smiled sadly and leaned into the touch. Carefully his human hand lifted and pressed one of Al's hands to his face fully and the younger almost swore he could feel the warmth. "Brother…" The word quivered in pain and longing as his free hand slid into the silken hair curling slender fingers in it securely. "Tell me brother! Tell me what I'm forgetting!"

Intense grief filled those eyes that seemed to hold Alphonse' heart on a thread before the elder finally shook his head. "You don't remember me…"

"I remember you brother! I do!" Bronze eyes filled with tears as he tried to cling tighter to the illusive figure before him. "Don't leave me! Stay together with me! Stay!"

Tears poured in rivulets down his cheeks but the older merely looked away. "Do you even know why?"

"Brother?" The crying turned into a choked sob as those eyes lifted to his just once more with unshed tears there. "Brother….?" Before he could say anything else the vision that was his sibling dispersed from view leaving him alone once again. Trembling hands stayed in the air where they had once been touching soft skin and hair as shock ricocheted throughout his being.

He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, all he could do was sit there as the tears fell without end. Only after a long moment did he finally curl in on himself and cover his face with his hands. "Why?" It was almost a scream that tore through his mind. "Is it my fault?" Al's heart nearly fluttered in agony as his body began to rock. It hurt so badly. The pain was tearing through his entire being without second thought or glance. Only then did he begin to scream, a scream that brought him back to the conscious world and reality.

"Al?" Instantly the door was thrown open and a slight figure ran in. Worry colored the pale visage of Izumi as she sat on the edge of the bed. Without waiting for a reply the woman took him into an embrace and gently rocked him. "Hush now… it was just a dream…"

It was rare that she became so tender, but he realized more and more everyday that he was basically her child. Burying his face into her shoulder, he continued to cry as she spoke soft soothing nonsense into his ear. Yet no matter how calming it was, that heart shattering dream wouldn't leave his mind. "I… I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." A gentle hand ran through his hair seeming to pause as it took in the actual length that now swept just below his shoulders. It had been almost a year since Jean Havoc had returned to Central and he'd resumed his harsh training. An entire year of loneliness and heartbreak that was not softening in any way. After Havoc had left, it seemed the pain only intensified. "Want to talk about it? Is it about Ed?"

Still shaking, the small blonde barely managed to nod his head. "Master… I just know… that I'm forgetting something important…"

The woman sighed as she pulled him even closer allowing him to be cradled against her chest. "Al… you can't remember half a decade of your life. I'm sure there's more than just one important thing…"

"No… It's something that I should not have forgotten… I… it never stops hurting. I can't stop thinking about him… and that only makes it worse. And in the dreams… he always asks me why I don't remember…"

Izumi stayed silent as one hand lightly played with the strands of deep gold dark eyes watching them slide through her fingertips. "I don't know. Al…" Pulling back a little bit, she met his eyes perfectly with a serious quality to them. "You two were always unbelievably close… I seriously don't think you could have fought over anything that you couldn't solve. Maybe… something important happened in your relationship?" The woman's gaze softened then for a moment but he could still see how pale she was. Everyday he saw it more and more. His master was dying. Frowning hard he leaned back into her hugging her about her waist tightly. "Just think about it…" Resuming the soothing motions in his hair, she suddenly chuckled softly. "You're really getting tall. I'd say you're already taller than your brother."

Smiling morosely to himself, he didn't let her go. Why did it feel like everyone was leaving him? Closing his eyes, he let out a low sigh. Maybe Izumi was right though. Maybe there was something about their relationship he was missing… Something so deep and important that he wouldn't believe it…

His eyes suddenly widened. It wasn't that he remembered, rather it was that something suddenly clicked. Instead of a memory it was the feeling that he couldn't explain. Now that feeling had a name. It was love. Not the brotherly sort of love, but real love. He was completely and totally _in _love with his older brother.

Shock filled his entire body and his heart felt as though it would stop beating. Was that it? Was that why his brother seemed so distant in his dream? Hugging his master tighter he suddenly whimpered. Had he ran his brother off because of these feelings? But then why did he still feel like he was missing the most important piece of the puzzle?

_I should have known._

_I just can't keep my love for you_

_Inside, all to myself._

Is that what happened brother? I ask the same question over and over again. Some nights I ask it so often that I wake up asking it. Did I run you away with my feelings? Love isn't something you can hide, and the more I try to, the more it tries to break free. I know without a doubt that you're the only one that I love. You have my heart, my soul… everything. I think you know that as well.

Did you leave me because of that? I really don't understand.

No… I don't think you left because you wanted to. You wouldn't leave me for something like that. Brother… Master is right. No matter what we fought about, we'd always make up. I believe, even in those five years I don't remember, it was the same. There was nothing that we couldn't overcome together. I just wish I could remember. I need those memories to understand. I need the gaps filled before my mind slowly falls apart. Because everyday I try to pretend I'm all right, I think I lose a little more of my heart.

Winry came to visit the other day. She still tries to fill in what she can, but she knows even less than Havoc did. Instead of helping, I think it merely ends up frustrating me. As terrible as it sounds, I think I'm trying hard to push her away. It's almost as though I don't want anyone to get close to me anymore.

Though, while she was here, I read through one of her poetry books she'd brought along, and I found a few verses that actually seemed to relate to me. In a way, they even pushed me to keep going. It was called "Someday".

'Hazy as the setting sun

Splashed in an array of feeling

Trapped inside a dismal world

Like a faded monochrome painting

Life's memories distorted

Retreating into the darkness

What's this terrible feeling?

The heart's amnesia leaves you helpless

Pull me from the drowning pool

Before my love is washed away

You can't reach me where I am

I want to see you again someday.'

It felt as though, someone wrote those words just for me. And you know what brother? I do want to see you again. And I _will_ see you again. I won't stop until I do see you, and if it means I have to remember first, I'll do all I can to do just that. Because brother… I can't continue to live without you. I just can't.

_But now, it's a precious thought._

_I believe in the truth only I see,_

_And keep on loving you._

"IDIOT!"

"Brother! What did I do?" How long were these dreams going to torment him? He almost felt a fire in his chest that was threatening to consume him.

"Why didn't you say anything! You… you idiot!"

"I… I don't' know what I did! But I'm sorry brother!" Al begged frantically at the voice that seemed to echo through his mind. Yet no matter what he pleaded, Edward didn't seem to hear him. That's when a shadow of remembrance touched him and he went quiet. So quiet in fact that he could almost hear his heart beating even in the dream.

Those words were so familiar and yet so foreign all at the same time. They echoed through his soul and emerged within his heart making his stomach churn. "Don't say that! I… Damn it!" Al's eyes grew wide as he felt something like a swarm of butterflies being released within his chest and stomach. "You don't know? Do you not know me?"

"Oh brother…" A soft smile touched his lips as the pain that had gnawed on his soul for so long slowly subsided. "You do know I love you…" He couldn't tell if that was a reassurance to himself or if he was cutting off the next words that he knew were about to come.

"I love you too…"

_I should have known._

_I just can't keep my love for you _

_Inside, all to myself._

"I heard… about Curtis-san passing away." The voice was soft but it didn't bear the pity that so many used. It wasn't hypocritical, just gentle and in a subtle way, understanding. Tilting his head to peer at the taller blonde, Al allowed a small almost sad smile to touch his lips.

"Yes…" He really didn't want to say anything more. The thought of life without Izumi in it was hard enough as it was, and Havoc understood. Deep blue eyes conveyed his concern, but he didn't press for anything more. "I'm sorry… that I didn't come to see you sooner."

"Don't worry about it." The blonde grinned at this and shrugged his shoulders. "At least you wrote once in a while. It was better that you stayed there anyway…" Tilting his head to the side, the lieutenant suddenly leaned closer and inspected the younger blonde. "You know what… you're taller than FullMetal now… He'd be pissed." The officer chuckled as he reached out to lightly touch the ponytail thoughtfully. "I was right it does look good on you." A nostalgic smile hinted at his lips before he noted the black and white attire complete with Ed's red coat. Al really did look a great deal like his brother. "I can't believe it's been nearly two years."

Al simply gave a soft smile before closing his eyes. "It has…"

"I have a feeling that you felt every minute and every hour of those years…" Havoc slowly frowned before looking away in order to think. The blonde wasn't as dense as many thought him to be, but that was why Al respected him so much. "This wasn't going to be a long visit… was it?"

The younger Elric's expression fell and soon he also looked away. "No… it wasn't."

"I suppose that means you're going to go off to find a way to get him back now?"

"Yes…" Pausing a brief second, Al suddenly placed a hand on Havoc's arm lightly. "I wanted to tell you myself. I probably won't be around much and I won't be staying in one place… I _have_ to get him back."

Jean Havoc had jumped slightly at the touch, but soon he was smiling almost sadly down at the alchemist. "I know. Be careful out there. Tell FullMetal hello for me when you see him."

Those words nearly made his heart hurt. Was he imagining things, or did the other almost seem depressed by the news? "I will… Havoc… what's the matter?"

"Is there something wrong with missing a friend?" The brilliant grin covered his features as he winked. "Just remember to tell me before doing anything drastic… Otherwise… I wish you and your brother all the happiness life can give you."

"You know… don't you?"

"You love him so much it's written all over your face."

"It doesn't…"

"Bother me? No. What bothers me is knowing that you've been alone all this time without even a tangible memory and the one person that makes you happy. So, I'm glad you're going to get him back. But don't blame me if I punch him if we ever meet again for leaving you like that."

"Havoc…" Al only laughed softly before shaking his head. "No… I won't blame you." It was enough. They didn't need to say anything else. "I need to keep moving now."

"I figured that much… I don't do good byes…"

"Then how about, 'I'll see you later'?"

"Sounds good. See you later Al."

With one last wave, he turned away and started to walk. It was probably a lot harder than he thought it would be, but things were better this way. The less attachment he had, the easier his task would be. He didn't know if he'd make it out alive, but that didn't matter. Somehow he knew that he would gladly give his life trying to find his brother again. Because his life meant nothing without Edward.

There was no replacement. Not a single person in all the world could fill the void in his heart left by that one person. Even if it took him forever, he'd solve the riddle and maybe even save himself. He didn't remember anything except that one moment. Maybe something or someone had felt pity, he didn't know, but it was the only memory he needed. "Wait for me brother… I'm coming."

_But now, it's a precious thought._

_I believe in the truth only I see,_

_And keep on loving you._


End file.
